Synthesis: Ready, Set, Grow.

I am starting the process of reintegration back into my former urban lifestyle. Yet, as the days go by, I find the process harder, not easier.

I am in a state of flux. Glorious, wonderful flux. Painful, necessary flux. I am living at the very intersection of change. I am searching for new ways of being and new forms of inspiration; whether they take the form of eco-villages, intentional communities, sustainable building, urban agriculture, guerilla gardening, all things mud, grey water systems, compost toilets and more. There is always more to learn.

For the past nine months, I have been away from popular Western culture, including values and aesthetics. I have been re-exploring life on farms in Israel and Thailand, which were founded on permaculture values.

I had normal urban reservations before I embarked to spend five months on a permaculture educational site in Modi'in, Israel. I was worried that I would need to discontinue my daily ritual of showering. How would I even begin to handle using compost toilets? My friends were gently mocking me, as well. In short, I had a lot of limitations.

I surprised myself by loving the outdoor solar powered shower, even though it meant that as the temperature dropped, I took less and less showers. I was proud of our compost toilets and even changed the barrels a few times.

After my program with Chava v'Adam (Adam and Eve) ended, I decided to visit Thailand for a few months. At first, I was on a beautiful tropical island called Koh Phangham where I studied yoga. After a bit though, my hands were itchy. They longed to plunged into dirt again. Although, I loved my beachside bungalow,the ocean did not satiate me the way that rows of vegetables unfurling can.

I reflected back on my time on the farm. I thought it would be wonderful to study permaculture in Thailand. I had learned that all permaculture is contextual, and I was worried that I would be unable to apply my knowledge to the US. Maybe after visiting a farm in Thailand, I would have a broader perspective.

I found a space two hours north and east of Chiang Mai, which is called Panya Project (www.panyaproject.org). When I arrived I was informed that there would be no more showers until the rains came. My former self would have considered leaving. My new self easily embraced the water shortage. Plus, we went for near daily dips in local reservoir to bathe. While I would never be considered truly clean, I felt reinvirgorated and even more connected to the land.

For me permaculture suggests that we move backwards in order to move forwards. My whole perspective on life was forever changed. My view before was limited. I was studying food distribution and I considered food production to be a completely seperate field. My experiences showed me how interconnected everything is. My personal challange now is synthesis. How to blend the values of permaculture with urban values?

Upon my return to the West, I am most bothered by the immense waste produced by our individual selves and also by the waste that our greater society creates. Each time, I throw vegetable peels into the trash, accept a plastic bag, or wash dishes, I feel complicit. Permaculture with its focus on zero waste, assuages my guilt.

I find myself wandering to extremes. Green grass is no longer soothing. It is no longer a luxury to me. If only, I could return my normal urban state of being of complacency. But I cannot.

I miss the ease of composting, in a supported environment. And I am not wishing to impose my values on others, when I am visiting my friends and family in their home. I miss my mud cottage set in the Thai countryside. I miss picking fresh bananas off trees and eating them for breakfast. I long to pick kolrhabi out of the field with my friends and eat it like an apple. I miss the angry sqwack of the geese, and the braying of the donkeys in the distance. I miss being so intertwined with nature, and being able to know the time based on the sun’s position in the sky.

Where do I go from here? As of now, I am become reaquainted with my resume, shaking hands with my cover letter. They are old friends, but I am unsure how to re-establish this relationship. I am looking for farms in the United States. I have surprised myself by my love for all things green. I was shocked to find out that I am happier covered in mud than makeup. But I cannot go back. I can only move forwards, as I looking for news ways of integrating and inspiration.